Becoming The Person I Never Wanted To Be

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Back in high school, my plan was to go to a 4-year institution and graduate in four years. I thought community college was a dumb idea and people who wanted to go there were either not smart, not motivated enough, or were too lazy for a "normal" four-year institution.

LOL. *smacks High School Sarah across the face*

I'm a junior at Auburn University and I am going back in my mind and can't believe I was that ignorant. Because now I wish I went to a smaller school for one or two years and then transferred to another college (I honestly don't know if it would have been AU, tbh). One, it is WAY cheaper. Right now I'm paying over $10k a year to attend Auburn (to those paying out-of-state or going to a private school... bless you). Two, community college would have most likely been a little easier to get through rather than going through the pain, agony, and stress that my school and major have put me through for almost 3 years. And three, my money would have been going to a school which most likely wouldn't screw me over (Looking at you, Auburn). It would have given me more time to decide what I wanted to do instead of entering a four-year college and frantically picking a major that I'm 100% NOT sure about, and then changing my major 100 times (I've only changed it once, but that's not my point and there's a chance of changing it again. As a junior. Totally not stressful at all!!!!) and as a result taking 100 years to graduate.

I also thought that if you didn't know what you wanted to do with your life and kept changing your mind, it meant that you weren't focused and were destined for failure. Why on earth did I think that? I have no idea. Another extremely ignorant thought of mine considering the fact that I didn't even know what I wanted to do when I graduated from high school.

And I still don't. And I'm learning slowly that it is totally normal not to be sure of what you want to do with your life at 18. (or 20 like me.) I'm also learning that I'm not a loser for not having my s**t totally together. If people think otherwise, then just keep them out of your life because trust me. You do not need that negative influence. There are people who actually give good advice and are looking out for you, but there are also people just trying to make you into a person they want to see you as. I have had this feeling inside me for the past two-ish years that I am not destined for a "traditional" career. I have felt this way after going to a few retreats and these thoughts have been going through my head for a little while now (unless I have totally misinterpreted everything... then this post will be super awk if I have). Which is really hard to admit because so many relatives of mine are smart and successful and have gone down the doctor/engineer route. And I am have always been surrounded by people who are also going down the career path of business, medical school, engineering, law, teaching, etc. I'm not trying to stereotype my own race because not everyone is like this, but sometimes it is hard pleasing people when you're set to meet a certain standard. But I do THANK GOD everyday that my parents have not forced me to into doing anything that I don't want to do.

It's just crazy ironic because here I am, feeling the way I do and literally becoming that person my stupid high school self didn't want to become! I turned to blogging because I wanted to do something that I actually enjoyed and talk about things that I actually like rather than having my head wrapped around school and being stressed and sad all the time. I really don't know where I was going with this post because as I have stated in earlier blog posts, I know God is looking out for me and has only good things planned for me and my future. And man oh man, I hope I'm not the only one feeling like this.

xoxo,
sarah
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