The real truth about my relationship with God.


So I started writing this blog post over a month ago with entirely different intentions. If you've been with me for a while, my life has been a whirlwind ever since the beginning of my college career. Every day, I would just tell myself, "God has a plan", "it's going to get better", or "lol of course this would happen to me" and make a joke out of whatever situation I'm in (I still do this. It helps me not fall apart tbh). But as time passed, life has never seemed to get better or it has always felt like I'm walking on eggshells and whatever good thing that is happening is going to be taken away from me. It's an awful way to think, but when you happen to have the worst luck in the world, you just tend to only see the negative in order to not be too disappointed. And it has definitely affected my relationship with God and my faith in general.

My life has been filled with lots of downs, but there have been some significant times in my life where death did not scare me. Not in the sense of me ending my own life (!!!), but more like if something bad happened to me, I really wouldn't care since my life already sucked. May and December of 2016, when I was depressed and crying all the time, my GPA was at its absolute worst, and my grandfather had passed away. March of 2018, another time where I felt God was completely ignoring me, my hard work was not paying off, and I thought maybe I needed to take a semester off from school. And then the year 2019... I just wanted to throw the whole year in the trash.

Then we come to current day. July of 2020, to be exact when I'm writing this. As y'all may know, I moved to Atlanta in January and started a new job. It was going great, but then you might have heard of a certain pandemic taking over the world?? Yeah, it lead to me getting furloughed from my new job in April, then eventually getting laid off as of earlier this month. I saw the lay off coming beforehand, so it wasn't a total shock (remember me saying that I was always walking on eggshells?). But it didn't change the fact that I lost two jobs in less than two years. Before the age of 25. I spent weeks prior to being laid off just staying in bed, struggling to face the day. And when I got out of bed, I would literally just sit on my sofa all day trying to distract myself from the fact that I felt like my life was falling apart. In the middle of all this chaos, I had started writing this blog post going into detail about my relationship with God and how I felt that He was purposely trying to ruin my life, not giving me any clarity on what I'm supposed to do with my life, ignoring me, not answering my prayers in my prayer journal for the past 7 years, while I got to witness my friends excel in their careers, buy homes, and get engaged, while I was over here crying, struggling, and trying to figure out what I did so wrong to deserve such horrible luck.

But something happened yesterday (7/21/2020). If you know me, you know I have always loved shopping. It has always been therapeutic for me when I'm going through something. It's not the healthiest (or cheapest) thing to love, but that's a topic for another time, lol. Anyways, during this pandemic, I have kinda gone shopping... like a lot. 🙈Yesterday I had to run some errands to prep for a job interview. Afterwards, I stopped by Target and TJ Maxx, two of my favorite stores, fully aware that I shouldn't be shopping when unemployed (especially when there is no shortage of clothes and shoes in my closet). You're probably wondering, "why are you shopping if you don't have a job?" Good question! I actually started asking myself that same question yesterday: Why was I shopping when I am unemployed? I mean I know it's therapeutic, but there were so many times where I felt tempted to shop and resisted because of finances prior to COVID-19. I have been checking my finances and realized that in my short time of "adulting", I had managed to save a lot of money. And I saved even more during my time in quarantine. Like how many people can say that they are more financially stable AFTER losing a job than before? Not many. No, I don't have millions in my bank account (yet) and obviously cannot live off the money forever without a job again, but I have been wondering how on earth had I managed to save so much even after going on depression-shopping sprees????

God.

That was just the first revelation. I also managed to get a job offer a couple of days ago. How did I manage to get a job offer a week after getting laid off in the middle of a pandemic? When based on my work history and luck, it usually takes months (without corona I might add)?

God.

During this time off over the last couple of months, I was able to reconnect with a lot of friends I hadn't seen or talked to in a long time. Like even before the pandemic. Friends I wouldn't have been able to see if the pandemic didn't happen. Friends I had missed so much. How did this happen?

God.

It was all God. I was so upset prior to yesterday and this post was going to address all of it. But how could I write a post talking about every single sh*tty thing that has happened in the last 7 years when all these blessings came into my life in the last 3 months? Blessings I wouldn't have gotten if I hadn't been furloughed and laid off from my job? How could I sit and complain about God when all these good things happened in the midst of a storm?

Are things fine now? LOL........ no. Do I have clarity now with what I'm supposed to do with my life? Heck no! Do I still feel as if God is ignoring me? To be completely honest, a little bit. I don't know if I've ever really addressed it here on my blog, but I have never really heard God's voice in my life. Like when I'm faced with tough decisions and I need an answer from God, I will look and listen for signs and I don't know if I'm just blind or deaf, but I don't feel or hear anything. I don't see any signs that basically say, "yes, there's your answer!" I feel like I've just made lots of bad decisions unintentionally in the last 7 years and while a lot of it is probably my fault, it's partially because I literally had no idea what I was supposed to do. As I mentioned earlier, I have had a prayer journal which I have kept since 2012. I've heard stories from people who also keep prayer journals, and they look back to see what prayers God has answered over the years. I had looked back on mine, and God has only answered one prayer and it was back in 2013. So I'm not here trying to be like, "OmG GoD hAs AnSwErEd All mY pRaYeRs AnD mY LiFe Is GrEaT~~ #blessed!" I guess my point is that, while life is sh*tty and things have definitely not gone my way (losing two jobs and moving 3 times in less than 2 years?!!), it is so easy to forget the good He has done in my life. One of my friends texted me yesterday and said to me, "Gold is tested by fire and human character is tested in the furnace of humiliation. I think you should be proud of what you’ve managed to overcome and I just wanted to say I’m proud of you for getting back up every single time." Because the fact that I'm still functioning like a somewhat normal human being in the middle of all this is a blessing in itself. Please do not take any of this as bragging!! I promise my life does not feel great right now and I feel very uncertain about everything. Is my spiritual life back on track? No, but I am working on it. Will there be a post similar to this in the future? Probably, lol. I don't know if I will ever hear His voice or actually feel reassured, but I think I will be able to get through this. And as I end all my posts regarding my personal life, if you are going through something similar, you are not alone. Life sucks, but we are stronger than we think.

And God, if you are watching me write this, I am sorry for how I've been acting towards you over the past month...year...or life. Or whatever you're mad at me about that makes it feel like you're not listening. Just please make your presence a little more visible to me so I don't feel so lost and lonely anymore. Please.

Check out my last post: Cut your bangs.
Another post to check out: Be confident in your struggles

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